A Love Like This…

​Let’s fall in love slowly. Let’s fall in love the way that makes it last a life time. Its honest and trustworthy. Let’s build a life we can look back and be proud of many years to come. Let’s love in a way we look back and wish we met earlier in life so we could’ve fallin sooner and loved longer but have no regrets because the timing was perfect when we did meet whether we knew it or not. Let’s work at being our best selves every day and show that we care even with the smallest kindness we can. Let love come easily and naturally but know that it takes a life time to work at to keep.  If something or some part of us breaks we work together to fix it we don’t just give up and throw it away because thats easier. Let’s be genuine and always say how we feel even when its hard to say. Thats the kind of love worth fighting for….

Getting all philisophical on yous guys!!! Think about those words,  think about how entitled we’ve become, how this new generation of people defines “love” which in all reality is lust and how everyone wants it now or yesterday. No one works at it anymore. No one tries to fix what breaks, they simply throw it away for something/someone else because its easier. How about taking the road less traveled vs. The easy way out. In my own personal experience with anything in life, the easy road simply prolongs the hard trials and you are left with less life lessons learned. I tend to like to take the hard road simply because I’m just that damn stubborn and I grew up working hard and earning what I have. I dont believe in just being handed everything otherwise whats the point!? You dont have as much respect for something as you do when you’ve worked your butt off to earn it. I do not understand this whole entitled way of thinking people have anymore.

Where It All Started

butterfly-skull“One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the Courage to let go of what you cannot change..”-Unknown

Where to begin….in all honesty I have tried to write about this for over three years in hopes of helping another person who has gone through something similar and to show strength when there was a point that I was very very weak. I have tried to write a book for well over five years with no such luck because I can never figure out where to begin, what is telling too much, is it even a good idea to share, will there be repercussions, will people get mad at me, what will people think of me, will I be labeled as an attention whore, so on and so forth. Please know this is not for attention, I could care less about that, I just hope that this finds someone who really needs to read these words, it may save their life. I had to be my own words, I had to save myself but if I can save someone from hell I will put myself out there to do so. So fuck society and judgey bullshit. This is me, raw, and unedited. 

I can tell you that I have spent a vast majority of my life living in fear and guarding my heart from the bullshit that life can throw at us. I am deciding that it is time to just open myself up and let it all pour out. Am I terrified? Yes, more than anyone can imagine but I have felt for a long time that this is a story that needs to be told and I am not ashamed of it any longer. I can remember this like it was yesterday, with that being said I will try not to let this get too spacey but some of these details I feel are important and some of it comes back to me in flashes so bare with me. So here it goes….

I was five years old. I was very tiny, long blonde hair halfway down my back, bright and shining blue eyes. A little girl with the whole world waiting to be explored, tea parties to be had, beating up  imaginary bad guys, and lots and lots of singing. I loved to sing. I used to always do what I was told by whoever told me what to do. I was a goody good you could say. I liked to make other people happy, it was fun making people smile, plus I hated to get into trouble and still to this day hate conflict.

I remember it was a particularly special day because our cousins were coming over. I can’t remember if there was a reason why but they lived in Colorado Springs so seeing them was always something my siblings and myself looked forward to. My mom dressed me up in my favorite pink t-shirt and pink skirt with white frilly lace at the bottom. I liked watching it twirl as I spun in circles. I was happy.

We had a two story house and my big brother’s room was in the far end of our basement, it was a pretty plain room if I recall correctly, he had a stereo in there, at this point he had a futon bed so he was super cool (cue exaggerated eye roll). He also had one of those super high tech eye hook locks attached to his door so he was super fricken cool, let me tell ya hahaha. (can you hear the sarcasm in this?! lol) In the big open area before you got to his room was essentially a playroom equipped with a t.v., couch, and many other toys belonging to all three of us kids.

Jason; my big brother, was 16 so naturally this was the coolest place for a 16 year old boy to be. My brother was playing his playstation(pretty positive it was a playstation…maybe a nintendo either way it was a gaming console), I couldn’t tell you what game he was playing but I loved watching him kick butt at those video games. He was damn good and I remember wanting to be just as good as him. I looked up to him even though I don’t remember hanging out with him all that much as a kid, he was “too cool” to hang with his little sister. In all honesty I couldn’t blame him there was a HUGE age gap between us and I now understand why it was the way it was… With that being said I will forever be grateful he was at home this particular day. I cringe at the thought of what more could have happend had he not saved me…I honestly still to this day thank god he was there and is my big brother. (Jay if you ever read this, thank you. Thank you for protecting me when I needed to be protected the most. Thank you for being my hero even when I didn’t know it. I love you and I don’t believe I could ever repay you for what you did, I have never forgotten you were there for me.)

Anyways, our cousin “James”  I believe was 12 at the time, give or take a year or two. He was a very strange boy to say the least, he actually was SUPER FUCKING CREEPY. He was never my favorite cousin but was family so I just put up with him.  A few years after this incident he chased me around the house with a knife. I tried to hide on the couch as he held the knife to my toward my throat and threatened to beat me up and then kill me for no reason….. never told anyone about that either but yeah the fucking guy had issues and then some. A couple years after all this his parents sent him to boot camp and later on he has since been in and out of jail as far as I know…

Sorry got side tracked again but its important to know… So anyways my brother and cousin “James” were in the basement playing video games. I was up and down the stairs until finally I heard my cousin call for me from my brother’s room. Being the happy go lucky, always doing what I’m told itty bitty I skipped down the length of the basement and into my brother’s room. I got to the middle of the room when the door shut behind me. I wasn’t afraid, I honestly didn’t think anything of it. My brother was playing video games too distracted to really notice or really care the door closed. He probably thought nothing of it as well. We all often went into Jason’s room and played pirate games with his futon, crawling under the bed and in between the slats of the bed frame. We’d close the door so if we yelled “ARGG MATEY!!” or whatever other things we could think of it wouldn’t be too loud, so “James” closing the door had no effect on me. 

Thinking back to it I recall the stereo being on very low, it was playing slow music. I couldn’t tell you who it was or what kind of music I just remember the radio playing soft slow music. I remember watching my cousin slip the lock into the eye hook. It was too high up for me to reach unless I stood on something. I remember him turning toward me asking if I wanted to play a game, I said sure, I loved games! What 5 year old doesn’t love a fun game right?! 

I didn’t know what was about to happen to me, I blocked out a lot of this but I recall being told to lay on the ground, I remember his hands running up my thigh and under my pink skirt and underwear. I remember his hand over my mouth while I tried to push him away, and I remember being absolutely terrified. He raped me….

I don’t remember how long it went on for, I remember it hurt in an area I didn’t know could hurt. I know I cried but it gets a bit black in some areas from here. I remember hearing the door being knocked on and my brother’s voice sounding concerned, then banging on the door, then the sound of the door breaking. I remember crawling from my brother’s closet, I don’t remember how I got in there… I was crying not knowing what just happend, just that my cousin hurt me. I saw my brother’s face upset and pissed off, I assume he knew what just happend when he saw me crawling from the closet. I remember pulling my skirt up and blood. By this point my brother had my cousin by the throat and against the wall before I could fully crawl from the closet and heard my brother yelling for me to go get our mom. I ran as fast as my little legs would let me to the stairs to get my mom….

I don’t remember much after getting to the bottom of the basement stairs. I couldn’t tell you what happend to my cousin after that or what all the adults said or did. I know that NO ONE sat down with me and explained what happend. No one took me to a doctor or professional to work out the emotional toll this took. I know NO ONE kept the kid away from me because as I said before a couple years later he chased me with a damn knife, and I believe he raped me more than just the one time. Much of my childhood is blocked from my memory but with therapy I’ve healed many of those old wounds. And some good along with bad memories have come back to me. Regardless, it was all swept under the rug and even my own mother FORGOT this happend to me.

I know I changed after that day. I was more cautious, I became more of an introvert, I began watching people’s actions more closely in case they tried to get too close. I became mean, I needed a layer of protection from the world, anger made that easy to accomplish.I never have trusted men since, making romantic relationships with them EXTREMELY difficult. I didn’t like people seeing my skin so I never liked to wear dresses, shorts, or skirts, not until I was 20 did I actually feel ok and comfortable in them… I never knew that all of these behaviors were due to this incident of being raped. I thought I was just a weird tomboy chick. I was severely bullied in school so I was always mad and hurt. I wasn’t happy and I was severely depressed throughout a very large portion of my childhood. I didn’t see this “beautiful girl” everyone else claimed they saw, I thought they were crazy or just being nice. I never kissed a boy until I was 16 and you better believe I was called all the names in the book, “prude”,”goodie two-shoes” blah blah blah. I didn’t make friends easily because I don’t trust people. This is still true to this day, though it’s gotten easier. It wasn’t until I was on the verge of a mental breakdown debating ending my life that I found myself in a therapist’s office crying and pleading because I just wanted to know what the hell was wrong with me and why I am the way I am. 

It is pretty difficult to type this out because there is so much more I could say that changed inside me after that day, it hurts to admit this happend and that my own flesh and blood really didn’t do anything to help. With the help of my therapist and my amazing sister Athena I have since learned how to forgive. NOT FOR HIM.  I forgave the actions he did to me for MYSELF. I had to heal myself. I had to learn what happend to me was NOT ok, it wasn’t something to sweep under the fucking rug and it DAMN SURE WAS NOT MY FAULT. I didn’t ask to be raped. I was a child, I was a happy little girl with the world to explore, who loved her family and wanted to make everyone happy by singing to them. I didn’t get the choice of staying innocent. It was taken from me. I had to heal that as well. I have the scar but for as long as it hindered me I have come to realize that I have become stronger because of it. I learned to turn strife into strength. I sometimes wonder what I’d be like had these things not happend to me but part of me thanks the lessons for building me to be the strong woman I am. I no longer let it rule me, I am free. And I have FINALLY found real love for the first time in my life. I never knew you could enjoy and crave someone’s touch…I thought it didn’t exist….at least for me anyways…

I will tell you that the road to get to this point in my life has been hell. I have been through every emotion imaginable. Bad relationships, burned bridges, hurt myself and those I care about. It took so much work on my part to realize that I am now OK. I found the courage to face my demon, realize it happend and I can’t change that but I can heal from it, and let it go so I can have a future I deserve.. I have spoken with my mother, I brought her to tears… I have not yet spoken to my father about it. It’s not easy looking at the man who raised you and ask him why it was swept under the rug, I know it probably hurts him to know he couldn’t protect his little girl and it will be the hardest conversation of my life but I know for me to fully heal I will have to address him. 

I know sharing this is scary, and I have so much more I want to say and explain but I am here to tell you that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. You HAVE to talk about it. You can’t just push it to the back of your mind thinking it will go away because trust me when I tell you that it will fester and it will push its way back into your life in ways you don’t even realize until you are face to face with it. It is NOT your fault whether you are a woman or a man. NO ONE SHOULD TOUCH YOU WITHOUT YOUR CONSENT. Your body is YOURS no one else’s. You are worth so much. You have value. You are that beautiful person your friends and family tell you that you are. You don’t have to trust anyone you do not wish to trust and you damn sure are not alone. I am here. I will hold your hand and let you cry and scream. Be angry! Be upset! Feel every fucking emotion you feel and let it all flow through you. Go through every emotion you need to so you can allow yourself to heal even if it’s just a little bit. Know that relationships will be hard, you’ll find toxicity easy and almost comforting because its easier to hate than go through all that baggage to find happiness. I will let you know that you will suffer as long as you let what happend have power over your mind, body, and soul. You CAN heal. You can get back to normal. You will NEVER be 100% the same as before but you can move on.  The night terrors fade….no matter what though you are not alone. I am here.

I am still trying to heal and I know that you can too. I can not stress that YOU ARE NOT ALONE enough. And I can not stress that IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT enough either. Don’t let their presumed “power” over you take YOUR LIFE. They took a moment, they don’t get to take the rest of your moments. I hope you find your courage to stand up and say “NO MORE! THIS IS MY LIFE!”. We all deserve the future that we choose. We deserve to know what real love looks, feels, smells, and is. 

I hope you find the courage to seek help and talk to someone, EVEN ME! MESSAGE ME ANYTIME, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO ASK TO TALK TO ME. I will message you back, I will listen, I can promise this. I know where you’ve been and while I was very young I remember it. I remember the fear, the pain, the stripping of everything I was, and the starting over. Do not be afraid to reach out to me. 

I was very afraid to write this but not for the reasons you think. I believe my biggest fear was because I do not want to be looked at differently than who I am. This moment does not define who I am, it doesn’t make me any less of a person,  and I don’t want to be treated as though I am a victim. I am but I am not any longer. I am a Survivor. 

[Please note I changed the name of my cousin due to the simple fact that his name is not important for any of you to know. And while I do not care about the individual I am a good person despite the bullshit and won’t give him the satisfaction of having his name on my writing.]

An Avocado a Day: Yay or Nay?!

avocado

NOMS!!!!

That is all I can say when I think of these delicious fruits! I have always been a relative healthy eater. I love salads, fruits, veggies, etc. As adults my sister and I have decided that our mother used reverse psychology on us as children. The reason being is she ALWAYS had bowls, and I mean BOWLS of candy all over our house growing up. One in the kitchen, one on the kitchen table, and a couple in the living room. I mean you gotta have choices right?! Well somehow she managed to get us to LOVE with a passion our fruits and veggies. Instead of going for those delicious Twix bars we’d run to the fridge for a bowl of grapes. Fricken weird right?! I have no clue how that woman did it but I am glad she did.

Well recently (about 2 weeks ago) I decided I wanted to eat an avocado a day for at least 2 months just to see if I notice any changes to my skin, hair, and overall body. Plus I just REALLY love avocados so it seems like a good idea. I have done this for about 7 days now and I haven’t noticed too many changes yet but I have noticed my hair seems to be a little more shiny. I will continually update this with dates and amount of avocados consumed and any results I notice. If you have any questions please feel free to ask in the comments below! 👇👇

I have done a little bit of research and provided a link to the RELIABLE websites below in case anyone else is interested in some facts about these delicious fruits!

 

I have not consulted a physician about this so if you decide to try this I recommend asking your doctor if you are unsure or have any further questions. And NO this is not the only thing I am eating. I am eating my normal meals, this is not something like Super Size Me or anything like that. I am NOT a nutritionist either so again if you have further questions other than those about my own results and experience I HIGHLY recommend consulting a professional. 

 

Realistic Dreaming

dreaming“Never let it be said that to dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realities in waiting. In dreams, we plant the seeds of our future.” -Unknown

 

I have always been a big dreamer, I do not mean this in the sense of my personal goals but when I sleep my mind tends to have extremely realistic dreams. One that has stuck with me since last year that I want to share is one that I hope to eventually have in life. It has been the one thing I know I have wanted since I was a young girl (14 to 15ish maybe) but knew it would be something I would not be able to have until I was much older(25-30 years old). To become a mother and have a functional/stable family. This is and has been my dream for a long time. I used to be ashamed of admitting it because I didn’t want what other girls my age wanted. These big careers so on and so forth. I would lie and say I wanted to become a famous artist, musician, or own my own business , which to be fair isn’t entirely a lie just not a true focus I suppose. I believe the reason I want the dream I have so much is because I come from a highly dysfunctional family so to have one that is stable, loving, and my own is something I’ve always yearned for. I never thought anyone would understand that so I felt ashamed and guilty for not wanting more out of life. Now I believe it is a wonderful dream. I don’t feel ashamed to want something I didn’t exactly have growing up and I know it is something that will happen later in life after I’m married. The trick is being patient. I am far from patient with things in life sometimes but I would/could never intentionally bring a child into the world without my partner wanting the same thing and both of us thinking it was the right time or that we wanted a child together. 

So now that there is some back story I can tell you about this dream. It was so realistic that when I woke up I was slightly bummed that it wasn’t real. To be honest I woke up with tears gently rolling from my eyes. It was a beautiful dream and one that I will forever treasure. I didn’t want to forget it so I wrote it down in a journal. This was back in October of 2016.

Journal Entry:

I had an extremely realistic and amazing dream last night. One of those ones that make you feel a bit disappointed when you wake up, yet you hope one day something similar to said dream comes true.

So it had to of been 3 or more years in the future. (No more than 6 years.) But I believe my husband and I were laying in our bed, we were in our own home, [we had our own house! 🙂 ] I could see our sheets, they were a very beautiful shady of slate grey with a slight tinge of purple. Everything else in the room was dark but the side lamp on the nightstand next to our bed was on and lit the area around us. We were laughing and all smiles. What we were laughing about I couldn’t say but then I looked down at my tummy to see what was moving. I was very pregnant. I got so excited and said to him, ” Babe! She’s kicking you have to feel this!” . I could see her little feet pushing on my tummy. The craziest part was it felt real! I grabbed his hand and put it over where our daughter was kicking me. He was smiling a smile so genuine, full of excitement, and a lot of love for our little baby girl. My heart melted. It was such an amazing moment. After that he kissed me and I snuggled into his chest and fell asleep.

When I woke up (in my dream) the house was eerily quiet. I looked over to find my husband looking a little sad but extremely relieved and happy I was awake. Very confused I grabbed my stomach to find I was no longer pregnant. In a panic I looked back at him and asked what happend. He told me I went into labor and had our daughter. After the birth however, I began loosing A LOT of blood and somehow went into an a coma. He then explained I had been asleep for a week and doctors weren’t sure when I would wake up. We both had begun crying at this point and through tears I asked if she was okay, was she healthy, where is she, and can I see her. I cared very little about my own health. She was my main concern.

He then smiled so big through tears (they seemed to be tears of relief), explained she was healthy and absolutely perfect. He then leaned over to a bassinet near our bed and picked up, with so much care, our beautiful baby girl. Now I literally felt myself fall in love as he placed her in my arms, I held my breath and I began crying…again. She was absolutely the most perfect little lady I had ever seen in my entire life. I studied her thoroughly and very carefully. She was peacefully asleep in my arms. I remember thinking she was so precious and tiny. She had my husband’s tanned complexion, it was stunning, she looked just like him. A cute little nose, small little mouth and lips, like me. As well as a decent amount of soft dark brown hair. When she opened her eyes though. My heart stopped. The most beautiful pair of grey blue eyes looked up at me. They were so innocent, crystal clear, and gorgeous. I have never seen eyes like that in my life. I looked up at him, he was studying me as motherhood flowed over me, he looked like he was awe-struck. Tears rolling down my face and a giant smile spread from cheek to cheek I told him how perfect she was. He agreed, leaned in and gave me the most tender and soft kiss I’d ever experienced. 

I have never had a dream make me feel the way this one did but minus the coma part, I hope its a dream that eventually comes true. I’m still speechless at the first look I had of our daughter. It made me wonder if that’s how it really feels when you become a parent for the first time and see your child. Only time will tell I suppose.

 

The craziest thing about this dream was how realistic it was. It is not the first time I have had a dream feel so realistic but it was the very first time I had ever had a dream make me feel an experience I had yet to even feel. I felt those kicks like my actual belly had a little karate master inside of it. That baby was so real I still have the image of her stuck in my head. It was a beautiful moment within a dream that I doubt I could ever forget. Maybe one day I’ll know the real feeling but until then this is a pretty cool dream, and a nice memory to think of every now and then. With so many friends of mine that are married and pregnant or just pregnant its a dream that comes to mind sometimes. Its not in the cards for me yet but one day it would be cool to have that experience of becoming a parent. I believe the reason for the coma in my dream would be because ever since I was a young girl I’ve always had a sinking feeling that I will have a very difficult time becoming pregnant. Whether that be true or not I think that’s why my dream put me into a coma. 

Anyways, this was just something I wanted to share because I’ve been having less and less realistic dreams as of late and the memory of this one is pretty crazy and really neat.

 

 

 

Life’s Theory According to Me

lifes-directionsAdvice from me to you…..

(I will keep adding to this)

Fall in love whole heartedly. Give your all. Don’t just take. Be spontaneous. Be selfless NOT selfish. Always tell the truth even when its difficult. Don’t let society or everyone else’s opinions of “How Things Should Be” cloud what your gut and intuition is telling you. Make yourself proud. Strive to be a better you for YOURSELF not anyone else. If you don’t like something CHANGE it. Research and constantly seek more and more knowledge. Go on adventures, even if its just down the block. Take chances. Make mistakes and learn from them. Find quality people that you enjoy spending time with. Learn a new language. Set the bar higher and don’t stop until you achieve that goal you’ve always dreamed of. Believe in yourself. Prove them wrong. Take risks. Don’t assume you know EVERY little thing about someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Judge less. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Ignore the ignorant. Practice what you Preach. Be thankful for Who you have NOT What you have. Read a good book and pass it on. Create something. Laugh as much as you can. Know whether you are a woman or a man you are imperfectly perfect and that is what makes you beautiful. Negativity breeds negativity. Smile at a random stranger. Give someone a genuine compliment. Give back to your community. Care more. Don’t take what isn’t yours. Lift each other up. Reach for your goals. Remember getting a “No” from an opportunity is as simple as one door closing so another can be opened. Treat people with respect until proven otherwise. Be a gentleman. Be a lady. Have an opinion. Don’t take the people who love and care for you for granted. Ask questions. Master a skill. Be genuine. Be yourself. Cherish even the littlest moments. Envy is suicide. Stay true to yourself. Makes promises and keep them. Your word should be gold. Feel everything. Take a moment and just breathe. Find something that you love and do it everyday, do this for the rest of your life and eventually the world will change. Dance in the rain! Find the end of a rainbow. Don’t let the promise of tomorrow stop you from achieving today. Look at the glass half full, not half empty. Everything is temporary. Find love and feel every piece of it. You can not help someone who does not want it. Challenge yourself. Think before you speak. Know words are powerful, use them wisely. Create art. Help someone else out without an expectation of a returned favor. Be gentle. Care more and hate less. Be imaginative. Be silly every moment you can. Never loose your child-like mentality. Laugh at yourself. Don’t bully, just because someone is different does NOT make them any less of a person than yourself. Actions have consequences. Try out a DIY project. Listen to your instincts. Ask yourself “if I were to die tomorrow would it still benefit me to be upset/angry?”, if not just Let it go.  

They never said life would be easy, they only said it would be worth it in the end.

What is Love?

When you fall in love with someone fall in love with every piece of them. Love their qwerks, their flaws, their character, their personality, their laugh, their heart, their passions, their morals, who they are and strive to be.

Falling in love is being brave enough to open yourself up to someone fully, trusting they have both your best interests at heart no matter how bad it may get, and realizing how selfless love truly is. 

You will never love two people the EXACT same. Every love you have, be it your spouse, your family, your child(ren), or even your pet is never the same as another and thats the beauty of it! You get to have every side of love. You get to explore, revel, pass it on, and sometimes loose it.

It makes you feel every emotion under the sun. We revolve much of our lives around finding it when in reality its in just about every single thing we do. Whether it be for yourself, a friend, a lover, family etc.

I believe when you truly love someone it becomes way less about yourself and more about things like, how you like to see that other person simply smile or even laugh with or at you (all in good fun) and that alone could make your day brighter. It becomes more about building together and lifting each other up. More about supporting each other’s dreams and goals and helping find ways to achieve them when they aren’t quite sure how. Its about helping to push each other to be better than who they were yesterday.

Just throwing some thoughts at you. What can you add?

Always Fighting, Never Giving Up

glasswallFacing your demons is never easy. It hurts. It makes you want to scream, yell, cry, throw shit, hide from the world, collapse, and give up. Oh and you feel bat-shit CRAZY as if all the other emotions weren’t enough…

Its hard to find strength. Believe me I know. Its in these moments you have to let yourself feel every emotion no matter how much it hurts or how badly you want it to end. Allow yourself to feel and go through the process so once you are on the other side you have let everything go and can heal the wound(s). Trust me when I say you are not crazy for having these feelings. Everyone at some point deals with life’s difficulties and challenges just in very different ways. No way is 100% correct. We are individually correct which makes it that much more difficult to not think you are crazy. 

I have been going through this. And I know I will have it happen many times over this life. I will fight every time, and find ways to cope. I always have and I always will. I will hate every second. My anxiety, depression, and ADHD have all been hitting EXTREMELY hard the last two weeks. Its not something I can control entirely. I can feel when things are starting and I have coping mechanisms to help slow them down and try to stop them but I am not always successful. Some days are harder than others.

Lately I can’t focus, I’m hyper-sensitive, and scatter-brained. A simple day to day normal task feels like the weight of the universe is on my chest, I’m exhausted. Waking up from a dead sleep at 2am to a full fledged anxiety/panic attack that lasted about an hour is not something I would wish on even my worst enemies…. in all my attempts to keep my head above water I feel as though I’m drowning above land….my stomach sinks, appetite is no where to be found, and sleep is a precious release…sometimes…

Its been awhile since this has happend. I couldn’t even tell you what has triggered it because life has been heading in the best direction and I haven’t been happier so the fact its happening is puzzling and alarming. I’m terrified of myself. True torture is feeling trapped within yourself with no way out and it is not a place for the weak. I’m not sure many would or could survive a full week in my head.  I know where this mental blockage can lead. I’ve walked this road too many times to count. I am more prepared and stronger than ever before yet it still hits me like a car going 100mph hitting a solid brick wall. A difference between this time and before is I am not feeling insecure about myself or unhappy with my life. Unfortunately its a very real mental illness and it sounds ridiculous and like I’m making an excuse but I am being 100% truthful to the fact that it is very real and wreaks havoc on your mind, body, and soul. 

It is a constant mental battle. Sure, some days are definitely easier than others. I can’t always stop these moments from happening. I can feel the onset of…I guess I will call it an “episode”, for lack of a better term, and I have learned ways to cope and slow down an episode from happening but once it begins and I can’t get a grip…I’m just along for the ride until it stops. It can last from anywhere between 5 minutes all the way up to 12 hours(this is the longest one I’ve had and a record I NEVER hope to break). That was by far the worst 12 hours of my entire life and I had HIGHLY contemplated suicide that night. It was after that night that I sought out help through therapy and learned A LOT about myself. It was then that I was diagnosed with severe ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) which causes my depression and anxiety…HA! go figure right?! And my parents thought it was “just a phase”…turns out the older I get the worse it has gotten….I was also diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). 

You probably wouldn’t be able to tell that I am constantly fighting myself every day if you met me in person. I hide these battles very well. Almost too well sometimes. Just years and years of practice. I’m a good bottler you could say. You would more than likely see that I’m shy, quiet (until you get to know me and I let down my walls), and nerdy as fuck.

I have learned to turn my weaknesses into strengths but not everyday is the same. I feel awful when my family and friends see me struggle and I lash out or they can literally feel me freaking out inside while I’m being completely silent. I know how annoying I can be and how I feel like a constant inconvenience to those I care about. It breaks my heart when I start to slip a little and let people see me break a bit. I feel guilty and half the time I truly just wish for a hug because despite my past, touch and skin to skin contact makes me feel calm and safe. It lets me know that I will be ok and this episode is just that…an episode. Some people just ignore me and leave me to my thoughts and while sometimes this is what I need, other times it makes me feel alone and completely isolated . I will feel like a total psychopath and try to talk myself down into a reasonable mental state. Sometimes in these moments I will go hop into the shower and sit down and just cry. I pretend no one can hear me (unless they really can’t hear me all the better) and just let scalding hot water wash away my emotions and worries. The pain of very hot water is almost soothing and is like being caressed even if it is just water…

Its a lonely illness. I don’t believe anyone who hasn’t hit a deep depression could even slightly relate. I have encountered may people who think its a load of shit and to them it makes no sense for someone to completely break without any control over their mind and body. They say, and I quote, “Just get over it.” “Let it go.” “You’re being ridiculous.” and my all time favorite which I was personally told by someone who I had once loved and deeply cared for, “..you know what Rikki, I don’t think you were ever meant to be happy.”……yeah…that one still replays in my head every now and then. The sting I think will always be real with that, despite forgiveness and moving forward. That scar will hold a phantom pain.

The point to this is that I have been to hell and I have faced some of the scariest demons yet here I am typing this out and reminding myself that no matter what obstacle I may face I have already come so much further than I ever thought I would. I never thought I’d live to see the age of 20 and here I am turning 25 and proving that life is still worth while. There is kindness, hope, forgiveness, love, and compassion. No matter the obstacle you can hurdle it. You can face these demons and push past them onto bigger and brighter days. The episodes will subside and whatever form of normalcy will come back into focus. Just remember its temporary episodes…. Just reminding myself that I will never go back to how I was, I will fight until my last breath. Never giving up….