How It Should Be…

“The best love is the one that makes you a better person, without changing you into someone other than yourself.” -unknown

When you love someone without a shadow of a doubt all their flaws and imperfections don’t really matter so much. What matters is the smile on their face, you work together through thick and thin, and you hold the other up when they can’t do it themselves. You push each other, you encourage each other, you compromise when need be and most importantly you make each other cry from laughing so much. It shouldn’t be forced it should flow, you shouldn’t have to force yourself to love the other it should come naturally. Distance isn’t an issue because at the end of the day you have each other. Nothing is ever perfect but that’s the beauty of it. All the imperfections make them exceptional in every way.

If that person is worth fighting for then you put your all into the fight and without hesitation. There really shouldn’t be that question in either person’s mind of whether or not the other is worth it. It should be automatic. It should be without faltering and without stutter. 

Is it then something we all find? I believe we do. We just need to open our eyes to what is right in front of our faces and realize that what we have is not nearly as important as those we have. 

A person who undoubtedly loves you will be content simply talking with you about everything and nothing. Laugh and cry. Good times and bad times. They will stand next to you, not in front or behind. You are a team. 


All Things Considered…

With all the things I’ve seen going on in the news, around the world, and with myself I’ve been thinking about this….

You never know what is going on in someone else’s life. You never know if that negative you just said to them or at them was the push that shoved them over the edge. You never know if that compliment or positive comment just saved them from that jump. Perhaps that hug just stopped an anxiety attack. Maybe the smile you just gave at that random person just made their whole day lift. Perhaps your advice just helped a person take a step in the right direction for the first time in who knows how long even if that advice was hard to hear. Maybe standing up for yourself or someone else encouraged another to do the same.

Consider your actions, words, and the effect you can have on someone.

Not everything is peachy, and not everything is so damn depressing.

We all need someone at some point, I feel as though thats simply human nature. We are not; as unfortunate as it is, able to read minds. You can’t assume you’re friends or family know when something is wrong with you if you don’t let them in or ask them to talk. Its a line of communication you have to open.

We all assume too much and communicate too little. I have done this to friends and family and vice versa.

No one is perfect. We are all human, simply trying to get through our day to day. Live in the moment and try not to let life break us down completely yet try and allow it to raise us up.

We aren’t perfect. We can aim for progress rather than perfection. That to me is a step in the right direction.

Instead of becoming pissed off that someone isn’t talking to you and assuming everything under the sun consider asking them whats going on in their lives. Ask them if they are upset with you. It could be that they simply are caught up in their day to day and its not that they have forgotten about you or dislike you in any way shape or form. Instead of being mad THEY didn’t take that first step to communicate why don’t YOU? What’s stopped you from picking up the phone and doing exactly what you’ve wanted that other person to do?

Make the action. Put in an effort. Don’t take everything so personally and open those lines of communication. All things considered it could be worse so why not start the beginning of something better?



(the photo above is a photo I took on a hiking trail in Fort Collins, Colorado in Fall 2014)

A Love Like This…

​Let’s fall in love slowly. Let’s fall in love the way that makes it last a life time. Its honest and trustworthy. Let’s build a life we can look back and be proud of many years to come. Let’s love in a way we look back and wish we met earlier in life so we could’ve fallin sooner and loved longer but have no regrets because the timing was perfect when we did meet whether we knew it or not. Let’s work at being our best selves every day and show that we care even with the smallest kindness we can. Let love come easily and naturally but know that it takes a life time to work at to keep.  If something or some part of us breaks we work together to fix it we don’t just give up and throw it away because thats easier. Let’s be genuine and always say how we feel even when its hard to say. Thats the kind of love worth fighting for….

Getting all philisophical on yous guys!!! Think about those words,  think about how entitled we’ve become, how this new generation of people defines “love” which in all reality is lust and how everyone wants it now or yesterday. No one works at it anymore. No one tries to fix what breaks, they simply throw it away for something/someone else because its easier. How about taking the road less traveled vs. The easy way out. In my own personal experience with anything in life, the easy road simply prolongs the hard trials and you are left with less life lessons learned. I tend to like to take the hard road simply because I’m just that damn stubborn and I grew up working hard and earning what I have. I dont believe in just being handed everything otherwise whats the point!? You dont have as much respect for something as you do when you’ve worked your butt off to earn it. I do not understand this whole entitled way of thinking people have anymore.

Life’s Theory According to Me

lifes-directionsAdvice from me to you…..

(I will keep adding to this)

Fall in love whole heartedly. Give your all. Don’t just take. Be spontaneous. Be selfless NOT selfish. Always tell the truth even when its difficult. Don’t let society or everyone else’s opinions of “How Things Should Be” cloud what your gut and intuition is telling you. Make yourself proud. Strive to be a better you for YOURSELF not anyone else. If you don’t like something CHANGE it. Research and constantly seek more and more knowledge. Go on adventures, even if its just down the block. Take chances. Make mistakes and learn from them. Find quality people that you enjoy spending time with. Learn a new language. Set the bar higher and don’t stop until you achieve that goal you’ve always dreamed of. Believe in yourself. Prove them wrong. Take risks. Don’t assume you know EVERY little thing about someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Judge less. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Ignore the ignorant. Practice what you Preach. Be thankful for Who you have NOT What you have. Read a good book and pass it on. Create something. Laugh as much as you can. Know whether you are a woman or a man you are imperfectly perfect and that is what makes you beautiful. Negativity breeds negativity. Smile at a random stranger. Give someone a genuine compliment. Give back to your community. Care more. Don’t take what isn’t yours. Lift each other up. Reach for your goals. Remember getting a “No” from an opportunity is as simple as one door closing so another can be opened. Treat people with respect until proven otherwise. Be a gentleman. Be a lady. Have an opinion. Don’t take the people who love and care for you for granted. Ask questions. Master a skill. Be genuine. Be yourself. Cherish even the littlest moments. Envy is suicide. Stay true to yourself. Makes promises and keep them. Your word should be gold. Feel everything. Take a moment and just breathe. Find something that you love and do it everyday, do this for the rest of your life and eventually the world will change. Dance in the rain! Find the end of a rainbow. Don’t let the promise of tomorrow stop you from achieving today. Look at the glass half full, not half empty. Everything is temporary. Find love and feel every piece of it. You can not help someone who does not want it. Challenge yourself. Think before you speak. Know words are powerful, use them wisely. Create art. Help someone else out without an expectation of a returned favor. Be gentle. Care more and hate less. Be imaginative. Be silly every moment you can. Never loose your child-like mentality. Laugh at yourself. Don’t bully, just because someone is different does NOT make them any less of a person than yourself. Actions have consequences. Try out a DIY project. Listen to your instincts. Ask yourself “if I were to die tomorrow would it still benefit me to be upset/angry?”, if not just Let it go.  

They never said life would be easy, they only said it would be worth it in the end.

What is Love?

When you fall in love with someone fall in love with every piece of them. Love their qwerks, their flaws, their character, their personality, their laugh, their heart, their passions, their morals, who they are and strive to be.

Falling in love is being brave enough to open yourself up to someone fully, trusting they have both your best interests at heart no matter how bad it may get, and realizing how selfless love truly is. 

You will never love two people the EXACT same. Every love you have, be it your spouse, your family, your child(ren), or even your pet is never the same as another and thats the beauty of it! You get to have every side of love. You get to explore, revel, pass it on, and sometimes loose it.

It makes you feel every emotion under the sun. We revolve much of our lives around finding it when in reality its in just about every single thing we do. Whether it be for yourself, a friend, a lover, family etc.

I believe when you truly love someone it becomes way less about yourself and more about things like, how you like to see that other person simply smile or even laugh with or at you (all in good fun) and that alone could make your day brighter. It becomes more about building together and lifting each other up. More about supporting each other’s dreams and goals and helping find ways to achieve them when they aren’t quite sure how. Its about helping to push each other to be better than who they were yesterday.

Just throwing some thoughts at you. What can you add?

Always Fighting, Never Giving Up

glasswallFacing your demons is never easy. It hurts. It makes you want to scream, yell, cry, throw shit, hide from the world, collapse, and give up. Oh and you feel bat-shit CRAZY as if all the other emotions weren’t enough…

Its hard to find strength. Believe me I know. Its in these moments you have to let yourself feel every emotion no matter how much it hurts or how badly you want it to end. Allow yourself to feel and go through the process so once you are on the other side you have let everything go and can heal the wound(s). Trust me when I say you are not crazy for having these feelings. Everyone at some point deals with life’s difficulties and challenges just in very different ways. No way is 100% correct. We are individually correct which makes it that much more difficult to not think you are crazy. 

I have been going through this. And I know I will have it happen many times over this life. I will fight every time, and find ways to cope. I always have and I always will. I will hate every second. My anxiety, depression, and ADHD have all been hitting EXTREMELY hard the last two weeks. Its not something I can control entirely. I can feel when things are starting and I have coping mechanisms to help slow them down and try to stop them but I am not always successful. Some days are harder than others.

Lately I can’t focus, I’m hyper-sensitive, and scatter-brained. A simple day to day normal task feels like the weight of the universe is on my chest, I’m exhausted. Waking up from a dead sleep at 2am to a full fledged anxiety/panic attack that lasted about an hour is not something I would wish on even my worst enemies…. in all my attempts to keep my head above water I feel as though I’m drowning above land….my stomach sinks, appetite is no where to be found, and sleep is a precious release…sometimes…

Its been awhile since this has happend. I couldn’t even tell you what has triggered it because life has been heading in the best direction and I haven’t been happier so the fact its happening is puzzling and alarming. I’m terrified of myself. True torture is feeling trapped within yourself with no way out and it is not a place for the weak. I’m not sure many would or could survive a full week in my head.  I know where this mental blockage can lead. I’ve walked this road too many times to count. I am more prepared and stronger than ever before yet it still hits me like a car going 100mph hitting a solid brick wall. A difference between this time and before is I am not feeling insecure about myself or unhappy with my life. Unfortunately its a very real mental illness and it sounds ridiculous and like I’m making an excuse but I am being 100% truthful to the fact that it is very real and wreaks havoc on your mind, body, and soul. 

It is a constant mental battle. Sure, some days are definitely easier than others. I can’t always stop these moments from happening. I can feel the onset of…I guess I will call it an “episode”, for lack of a better term, and I have learned ways to cope and slow down an episode from happening but once it begins and I can’t get a grip…I’m just along for the ride until it stops. It can last from anywhere between 5 minutes all the way up to 12 hours(this is the longest one I’ve had and a record I NEVER hope to break). That was by far the worst 12 hours of my entire life and I had HIGHLY contemplated suicide that night. It was after that night that I sought out help through therapy and learned A LOT about myself. It was then that I was diagnosed with severe ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) which causes my depression and anxiety…HA! go figure right?! And my parents thought it was “just a phase”…turns out the older I get the worse it has gotten….I was also diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). 

You probably wouldn’t be able to tell that I am constantly fighting myself every day if you met me in person. I hide these battles very well. Almost too well sometimes. Just years and years of practice. I’m a good bottler you could say. You would more than likely see that I’m shy, quiet (until you get to know me and I let down my walls), and nerdy as fuck.

I have learned to turn my weaknesses into strengths but not everyday is the same. I feel awful when my family and friends see me struggle and I lash out or they can literally feel me freaking out inside while I’m being completely silent. I know how annoying I can be and how I feel like a constant inconvenience to those I care about. It breaks my heart when I start to slip a little and let people see me break a bit. I feel guilty and half the time I truly just wish for a hug because despite my past, touch and skin to skin contact makes me feel calm and safe. It lets me know that I will be ok and this episode is just that…an episode. Some people just ignore me and leave me to my thoughts and while sometimes this is what I need, other times it makes me feel alone and completely isolated . I will feel like a total psychopath and try to talk myself down into a reasonable mental state. Sometimes in these moments I will go hop into the shower and sit down and just cry. I pretend no one can hear me (unless they really can’t hear me all the better) and just let scalding hot water wash away my emotions and worries. The pain of very hot water is almost soothing and is like being caressed even if it is just water…

Its a lonely illness. I don’t believe anyone who hasn’t hit a deep depression could even slightly relate. I have encountered may people who think its a load of shit and to them it makes no sense for someone to completely break without any control over their mind and body. They say, and I quote, “Just get over it.” “Let it go.” “You’re being ridiculous.” and my all time favorite which I was personally told by someone who I had once loved and deeply cared for, “ know what Rikki, I don’t think you were ever meant to be happy.”……yeah…that one still replays in my head every now and then. The sting I think will always be real with that, despite forgiveness and moving forward. That scar will hold a phantom pain.

The point to this is that I have been to hell and I have faced some of the scariest demons yet here I am typing this out and reminding myself that no matter what obstacle I may face I have already come so much further than I ever thought I would. I never thought I’d live to see the age of 20 and here I am turning 25 and proving that life is still worth while. There is kindness, hope, forgiveness, love, and compassion. No matter the obstacle you can hurdle it. You can face these demons and push past them onto bigger and brighter days. The episodes will subside and whatever form of normalcy will come back into focus. Just remember its temporary episodes…. Just reminding myself that I will never go back to how I was, I will fight until my last breath. Never giving up….