Facing your demons is never easy. It hurts. It makes you want to scream, yell, cry, throw shit, hide from the world, collapse, and give up. Oh and you feel bat-shit CRAZY as if all the other emotions weren’t enough…
Its hard to find strength. Believe me I know. Its in these moments you have to let yourself feel every emotion no matter how much it hurts or how badly you want it to end. Allow yourself to feel and go through the process so once you are on the other side you have let everything go and can heal the wound(s). Trust me when I say you are not crazy for having these feelings. Everyone at some point deals with life’s difficulties and challenges just in very different ways. No way is 100% correct. We are individually correct which makes it that much more difficult to not think you are crazy.
I have been going through this. And I know I will have it happen many times over this life. I will fight every time, and find ways to cope. I always have and I always will. I will hate every second. My anxiety, depression, and ADHD have all been hitting EXTREMELY hard the last two weeks. Its not something I can control entirely. I can feel when things are starting and I have coping mechanisms to help slow them down and try to stop them but I am not always successful. Some days are harder than others.
Lately I can’t focus, I’m hyper-sensitive, and scatter-brained. A simple day to day normal task feels like the weight of the universe is on my chest, I’m exhausted. Waking up from a dead sleep at 2am to a full fledged anxiety/panic attack that lasted about an hour is not something I would wish on even my worst enemies…. in all my attempts to keep my head above water I feel as though I’m drowning above land….my stomach sinks, appetite is no where to be found, and sleep is a precious release…sometimes…
Its been awhile since this has happend. I couldn’t even tell you what has triggered it because life has been heading in the best direction and I haven’t been happier so the fact its happening is puzzling and alarming. I’m terrified of myself. True torture is feeling trapped within yourself with no way out and it is not a place for the weak. I’m not sure many would or could survive a full week in my head. I know where this mental blockage can lead. I’ve walked this road too many times to count. I am more prepared and stronger than ever before yet it still hits me like a car going 100mph hitting a solid brick wall. A difference between this time and before is I am not feeling insecure about myself or unhappy with my life. Unfortunately its a very real mental illness and it sounds ridiculous and like I’m making an excuse but I am being 100% truthful to the fact that it is very real and wreaks havoc on your mind, body, and soul.
It is a constant mental battle. Sure, some days are definitely easier than others. I can’t always stop these moments from happening. I can feel the onset of…I guess I will call it an “episode”, for lack of a better term, and I have learned ways to cope and slow down an episode from happening but once it begins and I can’t get a grip…I’m just along for the ride until it stops. It can last from anywhere between 5 minutes all the way up to 12 hours(this is the longest one I’ve had and a record I NEVER hope to break). That was by far the worst 12 hours of my entire life and I had HIGHLY contemplated suicide that night. It was after that night that I sought out help through therapy and learned A LOT about myself. It was then that I was diagnosed with severe ADHD(Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder) which causes my depression and anxiety…HA! go figure right?! And my parents thought it was “just a phase”…turns out the older I get the worse it has gotten….I was also diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic Stress Disorder).
You probably wouldn’t be able to tell that I am constantly fighting myself every day if you met me in person. I hide these battles very well. Almost too well sometimes. Just years and years of practice. I’m a good bottler you could say. You would more than likely see that I’m shy, quiet (until you get to know me and I let down my walls), and nerdy as fuck.
I have learned to turn my weaknesses into strengths but not everyday is the same. I feel awful when my family and friends see me struggle and I lash out or they can literally feel me freaking out inside while I’m being completely silent. I know how annoying I can be and how I feel like a constant inconvenience to those I care about. It breaks my heart when I start to slip a little and let people see me break a bit. I feel guilty and half the time I truly just wish for a hug because despite my past, touch and skin to skin contact makes me feel calm and safe. It lets me know that I will be ok and this episode is just that…an episode. Some people just ignore me and leave me to my thoughts and while sometimes this is what I need, other times it makes me feel alone and completely isolated . I will feel like a total psychopath and try to talk myself down into a reasonable mental state. Sometimes in these moments I will go hop into the shower and sit down and just cry. I pretend no one can hear me (unless they really can’t hear me all the better) and just let scalding hot water wash away my emotions and worries. The pain of very hot water is almost soothing and is like being caressed even if it is just water…
Its a lonely illness. I don’t believe anyone who hasn’t hit a deep depression could even slightly relate. I have encountered may people who think its a load of shit and to them it makes no sense for someone to completely break without any control over their mind and body. They say, and I quote, “Just get over it.” “Let it go.” “You’re being ridiculous.” and my all time favorite which I was personally told by someone who I had once loved and deeply cared for, “..you know what Rikki, I don’t think you were ever meant to be happy.”……yeah…that one still replays in my head every now and then. The sting I think will always be real with that, despite forgiveness and moving forward. That scar will hold a phantom pain.
The point to this is that I have been to hell and I have faced some of the scariest demons yet here I am typing this out and reminding myself that no matter what obstacle I may face I have already come so much further than I ever thought I would. I never thought I’d live to see the age of 20 and here I am turning 25 and proving that life is still worth while. There is kindness, hope, forgiveness, love, and compassion. No matter the obstacle you can hurdle it. You can face these demons and push past them onto bigger and brighter days. The episodes will subside and whatever form of normalcy will come back into focus. Just remember its temporary episodes…. Just reminding myself that I will never go back to how I was, I will fight until my last breath. Never giving up….