So I decided I was going to write a post in the midst of an anxiety/panic attack. This is pretty difficult I wont lie. Mostly because I’m crying but also because I have no idea what set this off. We were watching a movie and I started to breath heavy, short breaths. I have so many things running through my head and I truly just want to be ok. The weight and pressure I feel on my chest, back, shoulders and stomach. I feel like I can barely breath.
The only things I can focus on that keeps popping into my head are how I feel invisible,I’m crazy, this is ridiculous, why is this happening, am I crazy, I’m worthless, I can do better than this, am i the right one, could he do better, why am I not pursuing bigger career goals, will I ever get my dream, why do I give so much and always think people will love me bavk the way I love them, I could be a better daughter and sister, am I not pushing myself enough, I never do enough, why dont I say how I feel all the time,is this how I’ll be forever etc. Theres even more than that I just am giving the quickest examples.
I feel helpless, sad, scared, mad, ridiculous, and dumb.
This isn’t a joke and its not something I’d wish in another living person. Even though I know a lot of this isnt the case it doesn’t matter. When you deal with this all at once you feel completely irrational and everything you think is valid. I’m not even sure this makes any sense at all.
I want to show how real this is. How it affects your mind and body and give an insight into these mental health issues. Sometimes the words are hard to find. Sometimes I truly just need human touch. Right now its 11:58pm and I need a hug more than you could imagine but Ty is asleep and I don’t want to wake him up for something like this. He hates when I have these moments. I don’t blame him I hate them too. I wonder if I will ruin this…I typed exactly what popped into my head after I wrote “..I don’t blame him…”. I go completely negative mental state.
I really really hope and pray this doesn’t last too much longer.
I know I am not mentaly strong enough to deal with another 10-15 hour episode….