Realistic Dreaming

dreaming“Never let it be said that to dream is a waste of one’s time, for dreams are our realities in waiting. In dreams, we plant the seeds of our future.” -Unknown

 

I have always been a big dreamer, I do not mean this in the sense of my personal goals but when I sleep my mind tends to have extremely realistic dreams. One that has stuck with me since last year that I want to share is one that I hope to eventually have in life. It has been the one thing I know I have wanted since I was a young girl (14 to 15ish maybe) but knew it would be something I would not be able to have until I was much older(25-30 years old). To become a mother and have a functional/stable family. This is and has been my dream for a long time. I used to be ashamed of admitting it because I didn’t want what other girls my age wanted. These big careers so on and so forth. I would lie and say I wanted to become a famous artist, musician, or own my own business , which to be fair isn’t entirely a lie just not a true focus I suppose. I believe the reason I want the dream I have so much is because I come from a highly dysfunctional family so to have one that is stable, loving, and my own is something I’ve always yearned for. I never thought anyone would understand that so I felt ashamed and guilty for not wanting more out of life. Now I believe it is a wonderful dream. I don’t feel ashamed to want something I didn’t exactly have growing up and I know it is something that will happen later in life after I’m married. The trick is being patient. I am far from patient with things in life sometimes but I would/could never intentionally bring a child into the world without my partner wanting the same thing and both of us thinking it was the right time or that we wanted a child together.¬†

So now that there is some back story I can tell you about this dream. It was so realistic that when I woke up I was slightly bummed that it wasn’t real. To be honest I woke up with tears gently rolling from my eyes. It was a beautiful dream and one that I will forever treasure. I didn’t want to forget it so I wrote it down in a journal. This was back in October of 2016.

Journal Entry:

I had an extremely realistic and amazing dream last night. One of those ones that make you feel a bit disappointed when you wake up, yet you hope one day something similar to said dream comes true.

So it had to of been 3 or more years in the future. (No more than 6 years.) But I believe my husband and I were laying in our bed, we were in our own home, [we had our own house! ūüôā ] I could see our sheets, they were a very beautiful shady of slate grey with a slight tinge of purple. Everything else in the room was dark but the side lamp on the nightstand next to our bed was on and lit the area around us. We were laughing and all smiles. What we were laughing about I couldn’t say but then I looked down at my tummy to see what was moving. I was very pregnant. I got so excited and said to him, ” Babe! She’s kicking you have to feel this!” . I could see her little feet pushing on my tummy. The craziest part was it felt real! I grabbed his hand and put it over where our daughter was kicking me. He was smiling a smile so genuine, full of excitement, and a lot of love for our little baby girl. My heart melted. It was such an amazing moment. After that he kissed me and I snuggled into his chest and fell asleep.

When I woke up (in my dream) the house was eerily quiet. I looked over to find my husband looking a little sad but extremely relieved and happy I was awake. Very confused I grabbed my stomach to find I was no longer pregnant. In a panic I looked back at him and asked what happend. He told me I went into labor and had our daughter. After the birth however, I began loosing A LOT of blood and somehow went into an a coma. He then explained I had been asleep for a week and doctors weren’t sure when I would wake up. We both had begun crying at this point and through tears I asked if she was okay, was she healthy, where is she, and can I see her. I cared very little about my own health. She was my main concern.

He then smiled so big through tears (they seemed to be tears of relief), explained she was healthy and absolutely perfect. He then leaned over to a bassinet near our bed and picked up, with so much care, our beautiful baby girl. Now I literally felt myself fall in love as he placed her in my arms, I held my breath and I began crying…again. She was absolutely the most perfect little lady I had ever seen in my entire life. I studied her thoroughly and very carefully. She was peacefully asleep in my arms. I remember thinking she was so precious and tiny. She had my husband’s tanned complexion, it was stunning, she looked just like him. A cute little nose, small little mouth and lips, like me. As well as a decent amount of soft dark brown hair. When she opened her eyes though. My heart stopped. The most beautiful pair of grey blue eyes looked up at me. They were so innocent, crystal clear, and gorgeous. I have never seen eyes like that in my life. I looked up at him, he was studying me as motherhood flowed over me, he looked like he was awe-struck. Tears rolling down my face and a giant smile spread from cheek to cheek I told him how perfect she was. He agreed, leaned in and gave me the most tender and soft kiss I’d ever experienced.¬†

I have never had a dream make me feel the way this one did but minus the coma part, I hope its a dream that eventually comes true. I’m still speechless at the first look I had of our daughter. It made me wonder if that’s how it really feels when you become a parent for the first time and see your child. Only time will tell I suppose.

 

The craziest thing about this dream was how realistic it was. It is not the first time I have had a dream feel so realistic but it was the very first time I had ever had a dream make me feel an experience I had yet to even feel. I felt those kicks like my actual belly had a little karate master inside of it. That baby was so real I still have the image of her stuck in my head. It was a beautiful moment within a dream that I doubt I could ever forget. Maybe one day I’ll know the real feeling but until then this is a pretty cool dream, and a nice memory to think of every now and then. With so many friends of mine that are married and pregnant or just pregnant its a dream that comes to mind sometimes. Its not in the cards for me yet but one day it would be cool to have that experience of becoming a parent. I believe the reason for the coma in my dream would be because ever since I was a young girl I’ve always had a sinking feeling that I will have a very difficult time becoming pregnant. Whether that be true or not I think that’s why my dream put me into a coma.¬†

Anyways, this was just something I wanted to share because I’ve been having less and less realistic dreams as of late and the memory of this one is pretty crazy and really neat.

 

 

 

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Life’s Theory According to Me

lifes-directionsAdvice from me to you…..

(I will keep adding to this)

Fall in love whole heartedly. Give your all. Don’t just take. Be spontaneous. Be selfless NOT selfish. Always tell the truth even when its difficult. Don’t let society or everyone else’s opinions of “How Things Should Be” cloud what your gut and intuition is telling you. Make yourself proud. Strive to be a better you for YOURSELF not anyone else. If you don’t like something CHANGE it. Research and constantly seek more and more knowledge. Go on adventures, even if its just down the block. Take chances. Make mistakes and learn from them. Find quality people that you enjoy spending time with. Learn a new language. Set the bar higher and don’t stop until you achieve that goal you’ve always dreamed of. Believe in yourself. Prove them wrong. Take risks. Don’t assume you know EVERY little thing about someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes. Judge less. If you have nothing nice to say, don’t say anything at all. Ignore the ignorant. Practice what you Preach. Be thankful for Who you have NOT What you have. Read a good book and pass it on. Create something. Laugh as much as you can. Know whether you are a woman or a man you are imperfectly perfect and that is what makes you beautiful. Negativity breeds negativity. Smile at a random stranger. Give someone a genuine compliment. Give back to your community. Care more. Don’t take what isn’t yours. Lift each other up. Reach for your goals. Remember getting a “No” from an opportunity is as simple as one door closing so another can be opened. Treat people with respect until proven otherwise. Be a gentleman. Be a lady. Have an opinion. Don’t take the people who love and care for you for granted. Ask questions. Master a skill. Be genuine. Be yourself. Cherish even the littlest moments. Envy is suicide. Stay true to yourself. Makes promises and keep them. Your word should be gold. Feel everything. Take a moment and just breathe. Find something that you love and do it everyday, do this for the rest of your life and eventually the world will change. Dance in the rain! Find the end of a rainbow. Don’t let the promise of tomorrow stop you from achieving today. Look at the glass half full, not half empty. Everything is temporary. Find love and feel every piece of it. You can not help someone who does not want it. Challenge yourself. Think before you speak. Know words are powerful, use them wisely. Create art. Help someone else out without an expectation of a returned favor. Be gentle. Care more and hate less. Be imaginative. Be silly every moment you can. Never loose your child-like mentality. Laugh at yourself. Don’t bully, just because someone is different does NOT make them any less of a person than yourself. Actions have consequences. Try out a DIY project. Listen to your instincts. Ask yourself “if I were to die tomorrow would it still benefit me to be upset/angry?”, if not just Let it go.  

They never said life would be easy, they only said it would be worth it in the end.

What is Love?

When you fall in love with someone fall in love with every piece of them. Love their qwerks, their flaws, their character, their personality, their laugh, their heart, their passions, their morals, who they are and strive to be.

Falling in love is being brave enough to open yourself up to someone fully, trusting they have both your best interests at heart no matter how bad it may get, and realizing how selfless love truly is. 

You will never love two people the EXACT same. Every love you have, be it your spouse, your family, your child(ren), or even your pet is never the same as another and thats the beauty of it! You get to have every side of love. You get to explore, revel, pass it on, and sometimes loose it.

It makes you feel every emotion under the sun. We revolve much of our lives around finding it when in reality its in just about every single thing we do. Whether it be for yourself, a friend, a lover, family etc.

I believe when you truly love someone it becomes way less about yourself and more about things like, how you like to see that other person simply smile or even laugh with or at you (all in good fun) and that alone could make your day brighter. It becomes more about building together and lifting each other up. More about supporting each other’s dreams and goals and helping find ways to achieve them when they aren’t quite sure how. Its about helping to push each other to be better than who they were yesterday.

Just throwing some thoughts at you. What can you add?

Always Fighting, Never Giving Up

glasswallFacing your demons is never easy. It hurts. It makes you want to scream, yell, cry, throw shit, hide from the world, collapse, and give up. Oh and you feel bat-shit CRAZY as if all the other emotions weren’t enough…

Its hard to find strength. Believe me I know. Its in these moments you have to let yourself feel every emotion no matter how much it hurts or how badly you want it to end. Allow yourself to feel and go through the process so once you are on the other side you have let everything go and can heal the wound(s). Trust me when I say you are not crazy for having these feelings. Everyone at some point deals with life’s difficulties and challenges just in very different ways. No way is 100% correct. We are individually correct which makes it that much more difficult to not think you are crazy.¬†

I have been going through this. And I know I will have it happen many times over this life. I will fight every time, and find ways to cope. I always have and I always will. I will hate every second. My anxiety, depression, and ADHD have all been hitting EXTREMELY hard the last two weeks. Its not something I can control entirely. I can feel when things are starting and I have coping mechanisms to help slow them down and try to stop them but I am not always successful. Some days are harder than others.

Lately I can’t focus, I’m hyper-sensitive, and scatter-brained. A simple day to day normal task feels like the weight of the universe is on my chest, I’m exhausted. Waking up from a dead sleep at 2am to a full fledged anxiety/panic attack that lasted about an hour is not something I would wish on even my worst enemies…. in all my attempts to keep my head above water I feel as though I’m drowning above land….my stomach sinks, appetite is no where to be found, and sleep is a precious release…sometimes…

Its been awhile since this has happend. I couldn’t even tell you what has triggered it because life has been heading in the best direction and I haven’t¬†been happier so the fact its happening is puzzling and alarming. I’m terrified of myself. True torture is feeling trapped within yourself with no way out and it is not a place for the weak. I’m not sure many would or could survive a full week in my head. ¬†I know where this mental blockage can lead. I’ve walked this road too many times to count. I am more prepared and stronger than ever before yet it still hits me like a car going 100mph hitting a solid brick wall. A difference between this time and before is I am not feeling insecure about myself or unhappy with my life. Unfortunately its a very real mental illness and it sounds ridiculous and like I’m making an excuse but I am being 100% truthful to the fact that it is very real and wreaks havoc on your mind, body, and soul.¬†

It is a constant mental battle. Sure, some days are definitely easier than others. I can’t always stop these moments from happening. I can feel the onset of…I guess I will call it an “episode”, for lack of a better term, and I have learned ways to cope and slow down an episode from happening but once it begins and I can’t get a grip…I’m just along for the ride until it stops. It can last from anywhere between 5 minutes all the way up to 12 hours(this is the longest one I’ve had and a record I NEVER hope to break). That was by far the worst 12 hours of my entire life and I had HIGHLY contemplated suicide that night. It was after that night that I sought out help through therapy and learned A LOT about myself. It was then that I was diagnosed with severe ADHD(Attention Deficit¬†Hyperactive Disorder) which causes my depression and anxiety…HA! go figure right?! And my parents thought it was “just a phase”…turns out the older I get the worse it has gotten….I was also diagnosed with PTSD(Post Traumatic¬†Stress Disorder).¬†

You probably wouldn’t be able to tell that I am constantly fighting myself every day if you met me in person. I hide these battles very well. Almost too well sometimes. Just years and years of practice. I’m a good bottler you could say. You would more than likely see that I’m shy, quiet (until you get to know me and I let down my walls), and nerdy as fuck.

I have learned to turn my weaknesses into strengths but not everyday is the same. I feel awful when my family and friends see me struggle and I lash out or they can literally feel me freaking out inside while I’m being completely silent. I know how annoying I can be and how I feel like a constant inconvenience to those I care about. It breaks my heart when I start to slip a little and let people see me break a bit. I feel guilty and half the time I truly just wish for a hug because despite my past, touch and skin to skin contact makes me feel calm and safe. It lets me know that I will be ok and this episode is just that…an episode. Some people just ignore me and leave me to my thoughts and while sometimes this is what I need, other times it makes me feel alone and completely isolated . I will feel like a total psychopath and try to talk myself down into a reasonable mental state. Sometimes in these moments I will go hop into the shower and sit down and just cry. I pretend no one can hear me (unless they really can’t hear me all the better) and just let scalding hot water wash away my emotions and worries. The pain of very hot water is almost soothing and is like being caressed even if it is just water…

Its a lonely illness. I don’t believe anyone who hasn’t hit a deep depression could even slightly relate. I have encountered may people who think its a load of shit and to them it makes no sense for someone to completely break without any control over their mind and body. They say, and I quote, “Just get over it.” “Let it go.” “You’re being ridiculous.” and my all time favorite which I was personally told by someone who I had once loved and deeply cared for, “..you know what Rikki, I don’t think you were ever meant to be happy.”……yeah…that one still replays in my head every now and then. The sting I think will always be real with that, despite forgiveness and moving forward. That scar will hold a phantom pain.

The point to this is that I have been to hell and I have faced some of the scariest demons yet here I am typing this out and reminding myself that no matter what obstacle I may face I have already come so much further than I ever thought I would. I never thought I’d live to see the age of 20 and here I am turning 25 and proving that life is still worth while. There is kindness, hope, forgiveness, love, and compassion. No matter the obstacle you can hurdle it. You can face these demons and push past them onto bigger and brighter days. The episodes will subside and whatever form of normalcy will come back into focus. Just remember its temporary episodes…. Just reminding myself that¬†I will never go back to how I was, I will fight until my last breath. Never giving up….

Down to the Nitty Gritty

meInstead of a long and lovely introduction to myself I figured that I will just dive right in to the nitty gritty. I can always type out an introduction later I suppose. 

I will forewarn that I will be writing this mostly for myself but I hope that with my…what would you call them…hmm… I guess entries..sure lets go with that, my entries may prove helpful, insightful, they may offend you, maybe they’ll inspire someone. Whatever the case may be I am letting whoever reads this know that it may get dark, it may be light and fluffy, it could get funny, sad, and/or everything in between. Just bare with me. I needed a place where I could put down my thoughts, stories, ideas, etc. quickly and with the hope that maybe my struggles and lessons in life can help another person out there to deal with their own struggles or what have you more easily.¬†

It will get spazzy and random that much I do know and can promise. Some things may start on one topic and trail off into another as I let my fingers glide over the keys on the key board and my passions and thoughts seep through. I simply ask you keep an open mind and if anyone has a question or anything please by all means do not hesitate to ask me. I genuinely mean this. I can be confusing as shit.

OHHHH yeah there will be cussing….

Anyways this is my intro sort of entry to start off my blog. Knowing me…I will probably go back and change things later…I can’t help it…its what I do. ūüôā